Comedy Comes in Threes
by SylviaStar01
Summary: Subtitle: "Voldemort is a Diva Porn Director." Rated M for Draco/Hermione and Harry/Ron with a surprise ending, as my reaction after reading way too many fanfics when bored. Don't own the characters, etc. etc.


**"Comedy Comes in Threes"**

**Otherwise**** known as "****Voldemort**** is really a Diva Porn Director"**

It was a dark and stormy night when high pitched, giggling sounds of Hermione Granger's moans and groans echoed over the small pond located somewhere in the Forbidden Forest.

"Ungh! Ungh! _Ungh_ **UNGH!**"

Clamped between her legs was Draco Malfoy. His back pressed hard against the stones that littered the pond's shore. Hermione slid her **woo-ha** up and down Draco's hard **you-know-what**. Pausing, she leaned over to hook her feet over his thighs to get better leverage and went back to humping him. Her knees dug into the ground – they'd be plenty bruised after this night. Her hands pressed against his chest to keep her balance and she flung her head back to let the misty rain fall on her face and into her open mouth. Her perky white breasts bounced in tandem to her humping. Draco reached up with nimble fingers to tweak her **rosebuds**.

It al so happened this was the same pond that she and Harry witnessed Dementors nearly end the lives of Harry's past self and Sirius Black. He had saved them then with a powerful patronus, which was probably one of the few times Hermione had ever seen Harry produce anything of quality. He certainly couldn't get it up for her. Unfortunately for the two fornicators, her high pitched "Unghs!" and "Ohs!" were attracting shadowy creatures of the forest. Invisible unblinking eyes watched as the two teenagers fucked. Slowly, a few of the shadows began to emerge from their hiding places.

Dementors.

So the mist wasn't just the weather. It was mating season for the horrid creatures as well and Hermione's moan for each thrust of Draco's **wee-wee** deep inside her **pee****-pee** was relaying a mating call to the things. They drifted towards her, keenly interested in getting a taste of her for themselves. Draco felt the familiar coldness of their presence and looked over across the pond to see them drifting towards them.

"Her-Hermione!"

"Oh yes! Say my name!"

"Hermione! DE-DE-DEMENTORS!" He quivered.

Hermione's eyes looked sharply in the direction the Dementors approached.

"Fuck!" Though she didn't stop the rhythm, she reached over for her wand. Draco let go of her **boobs** and she waved her wand to make his hands go back to pinching her nipples.

"EXPECTO PATRONUM!" And out popped a mongoose shaped patronus that scampered about them to ward off the horny Dementors.

"CUT! CUT!" Lord Voldemort waved his hands from behind the cameras. "Stay where you are, both of you!" He commanded and Hermione remained attached to Draco on the ground.

"But I need a break," Draco whined.

Voldemort rolled his eyes and waived his hand for one of the fluffers to attend Draco. He was more interested in the rewinding of the tape and watching the last few minutes. "No, no. You see? There. That's the problem. You need to be able to see him ramming up into her or we'll lose the viewer. RESET! Everyone, get something to eat! And I mean actual food!"

Meanwhile…

It was a dark and stormy night. Back in the boys' dorm room, Ron was sitting on the edge of Harry's bed stark naked. Harry was kneeling before him with a nervous smile on his face. Adjusting his glasses, he reached for Ron's** limp member**.

"WAIT! Wait…"

"What is it?" Harry asked, a bit concerned.

"What's my motivation again?"

With a heavy sigh, "This is your first time, you're nervous but excited."

"… Right," Ron said a bit hesitantly. Harry reached for his penis again. "Wait!"

Frustrated now, Harry pulled his glasses off and looked up at his best friend. "What is it now?"

"Why do I have to be Hermione?"

"Because, Ron…" he pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment. "You're afraid of spiders like a girl." Not to mention he'd get Hermione in the end anyway. It was clear his dick was bigger than Harry's.

"And calling me a girl is supposed to get me hard, mate?"

Harry realized he was going about this all wrong, though the irony of the situation he probably would have argued with Hermione also. Getting up from his knees, he sat next to Ron and put his hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insult you…" Harry let his hand slide down Ron's back and a finger slipped between Ron's **butt **cheeks. Ron closed his eyes, finally getting into character. He turned his head away from Harry and Harry took that as a sign to nuzzle Ron's neck before kissing it. His hand slid over Ron's chest, playing with him a little, before sliding downwards into Ron's lap. Stroking Ron's **weiner**, it slowly got hard as Harry sucked on Ron's neck with intentions of leaving a hickey.

"Better?" Harry breathed.

"Much," Ron whispered back. Taking the cue, Harry kissed down Ron's collarbone and slid off the bed. Back onto his knees, he slipped himself between Ron's legs as he kissed down his chest, heading towards Ron's **hotdog **that was stiffening between Harry's hands. In another moment, he was taking Ron's throbbing member into his mouth and sucking hard.

"CUT! CUT!" Lord Voldemort waived his hands from behind the cameras. He swirled over to Harry and Ron, robes billowing behind him. "Would you REALLY go down on him that fast? Seriously. Get _into character_ already, Merlin almighty!" An exasperated sigh escaped through his nonexistent lips and came out almost like an eerie whistle. His expression conveyed exasperation in being surrounded by retards. "Do it again. More _feeling_ this time. Emote!" People scrambled to retake the scene.

"Annnnd…. ACTION!"

"Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insult you…" Harry's finger slipped between Ron's cheeks and he started to nibble on Ron's neck again. Ron turned his head away, leaving his neck open as if Harry were some sort of vampire that compelled him to reveal himself. Harry moved much slower this time. Painfully slow. When he finally reached Ron's **willy**, he licked it before taking it into his mouth. Slowly, he sucked and pumped up and down with his hand on Ron's shaft and cupped him with his other hand.

Meanwhile…

It was a dark and stormy night. Fred and George Weasley were up to no good. With the Necronomicon in hand, they made their way around the lake towards Dumbledore's tomb.

"Ridiculous," said George.

"Siriusly," said Fred.

"Must be stopped," said George.

"I agree," said Fred.

Making short work of the tomb's sealed entry, much like they did with Hermione's innocence long before anyone even thought she was hot, they found their old Headmaster's mummified body. Unraveling him, they laid his body out on the ground and set to work.

No, not necrophilia, you dirty minds, you. That would be saved for Snape's body, for sure. No, they had a mission. Preparing the proper potent potables and such, they opened the Necronomicon to the section on "Resurrection" and spoke the incantations simultaneously and at the same time.

Dumbledore's eyes shot open. They were blood red and he snarled viciously.

George turned to Fred, "See you in a few minutes, mate!"

"Death. It's really not all that bad," Fred replied cheerfully as Dumbledore launched up and grabbed George. Gripping George's head between his hands, he squeezed so hard, George's eyes popped out. The zombiefied Headmaster bit into George's head and ripped it open to get to the delicious meaty center.

Speaking of meaty centers… Harry was in the midst of bending Ron over and ramming him from behind when the door burst open. Frozen in surprise, he looked up to see… "DUMBLEDORE!?"

"RAHHHHH!" Dumbledore triumphantly growled in reply and dove at both of the boys. Grabbing Harry from behind, he pushed his body against Harry's, who in turn was pinning Ron to the bed, and bit in. Harry screamed. Blood splattered, which caused Ron to scream like a girl – still in character. It didn't take Dumbledore long to get through Harry. In moments, Ron was screaming and then screaming no more when the former greatest Headmaster of Hogwarts made a third course out of Ron's ginger brains.

Speaking of courses, Hermione and Draco were very much in mid coitus.

"OH! OH! OH! DRACO! OH!"

Her high pitched giggling sounds were made safe. By this time, there was a mongaggle of mongeese surrounding the two in protective efforts to keep the two safe from rutting Dementors. However, they would do no good against the Headmaster, who was now trucking his way, soaked in blood, towards them, leaving a burning Hogwarts in the distance behind him.

"OH! OHHHH! OHHH HAHA! MMMMMMMM! OH YES! YES! _YES!_ AHHHH----EEEEEEEE!"

Hermione's scream of terror was hard to differentiate from her cries of pleasure. But, Draco got the hint when blood showered down on his pearly white skin and white blonde hair. Her body fell like a sack of potatoes on him and he was trapped. He screamed when he realized her skull had been ripped open and her brains were gone.

"P-p-professor?" He said weakly when he looked up to see Albus Dumbledore staring down at him, his half-moon shaped glasses askew on his long nose, blood trickling down his face and staining his white beard, his eyes RED. Sneering, he dove to take a taste of pureblood brains.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"CUT! CUT! I SAID _CUT!_"


End file.
